The Manitoba Herald’s Clive Runnels on Illegal Immigration

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.  The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.

“The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.  He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.  When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them.  He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

“Not real effective,” he said.  “The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn’t give any milk.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves.

“A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrol officer said.  “I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water.  They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though.”

When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives.  Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border.  Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.  After catching half-dozen young vegetarians in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s.

“If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies.

“I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said.  “How many art-history majors does one country need?”

Filed under: Venting


  1. No truer words were said in jest.

    Comment by managementslug — 11.17.2010 @ 5:30 pm

  2. Wonderful humorous writing, typically Canadian. Sort of John Stewart-like as well. Makes one’s heart bleed for the America liberal.

    Comment by Suzanne Andre — 11.21.2010 @ 2:19 pm

  3. Belive me, we have thought of doing just that, crossing over. Heck it is cold in Michigan anyway. This Tea Bagging Country is imploding and the people are crazy. It will never be the same again. We fallen down and will never get up!! Real Seniors in Mid Michigan.

    Comment by rbruner — 11.22.2010 @ 10:24 am

  4. As a former Detroiter with an Albertan mom and a daily dose of the CBC from across the river, I’m also holding on to a Canadian exit strategy. So far the Okanagan Valley looks best to me, though my best years living in Canada were in Toronto – the only major metro area I would ever consider living in.

    Comment by Cheryl Everett — 11.22.2010 @ 11:37 am

  5. aint so for the most part. what is so is liberals would be required to work and help support themselves. we gop people know it’s a tuff world but, we just do not see where we have to support the lazy, freeloader’s any more…,sorry canada for all the problems the lib’s are causing your country.

    Comment by gop_billybob — 12.16.2010 @ 1:02 pm

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